They captured my heart!
Fast forward a few weeks to last Sunday. Dave went to a leadership training where instruction for a new program was laid out. Today's youth are faced with incredible temptations, challenges and obstacles that I'm not sure I would be able to withstand at their age. We all get that.
Statistics were presented and used as reasoning for pushing this program so hard. And that's where I faded out . . . .G is included in the "lost" group. Not his name specifically. Just his statistic.
It stung a little bit - but I'll shrug it off.
Now this morning I've come across Dave's email account . . .a group email sent to all members of the young men. We should have known, but our young men are super-active in school activities. In order to plan the best that we can, we’d like to have your football, marching band, basketball, etc. schedules as soon as you have them. We’ll be trying, as a quorum, to also support each other by attending some shows/games!
Speaking of support, remember our amazing #2 finish in the Regional YM Basketball Tournament last year? I remember some awesome young women coming out and cheering for our Ward. YW Basketball is on Sept 29th and it’d be cool to represent! Just an idea…
Keep an eye out for Garrett L at school. He’s also 15, in our ward, but not active. A new area and school can be really tough, I challenge each of you to introduce yourselves and let him know he’s got some built-in friends in the Teachers Quorum.
My feelings were hurt.
I know you must be asking "But WHY? They're just making sure G is included?"
I know you must be asking "But WHY? They're just making sure G is included?"
Yes, on the surface.
What you don't see included is any evidence that we had a pretty in depth conversation with the leader of this age group and shared a lot of specifics about G.
First and foremost - that Garrett is NOT a neurotypical. He never will be. He's just NOT one of them . . .
For example: did you know G can't tie his own shoe? Why would anyone want to hang out with a bunch of "super-active" peers when you feel like an idiot for not even being able to accomplish a task that many neurotypicals have accomplished by age 5.
G watches Disney movies over and over and over. It's calming to him (drives me insane, but I can deal). We have heard the lines and songs from Aladdin all summer long - especially in these last few weeks leading up to school starting.
Really, is he going to be able to blend in with these guys without physically feeling these differences?
School activities/games like those listed in the email above have potential to cause a huge meltdown that we as a family would feel the repercussions at home for weeks.
Now let me disclose why he's not "active".
In his words . . . . It's not worth it.
It doesn't fall into his parameters of 'Stress Caused to Outcome Achieved'.
He also hangs on to hurts, it's almost like they become part of his very fiber.
At age 7 while he was waiting out the 3 hour church block alone on the couch foyer, he was told by a respected member of our local leadership at the time, "You're not a happy boy because you're not choosing to attend your primary class."
(Here's a tip: Manipulation in any manner absolutely does not work with kids like G.)
Unfortunately what that leader couldn't see was the sheer exhaustion and stress on that 7 year old boy to sit in primary. What most of us consider as fun - including singing and sometimes even laughter - to G and others like him is just a sensory overloaded environment.
It's not worth it.
While I applaud the efforts put forth in the email, I wish that the approach was different.
He needs friends. He craves them.
But ultimately the costs in G's mind aren't worth it.
But ultimately the costs in G's mind aren't worth it.
More importantly he needs understanding. I need understanding.
Then maybe a friendship could actually be formed.
Then maybe a friendship could actually be formed.
He has SO much to give.
Don't just label as "active" or "inactive". Find out what's truly behind those easily distributed labels!
*Like that term? I learned it just this morning.
Neurotypical: Term used to describe a non-autistic person.
5 comments:
Chan, I'm sorry you were hurt by this e-mail. Although E doesn't have Asperger Syndrome, he does struggle with a few of the same issues with his ADD. He's 18 and feels like an outcast in his Quorum (and he's the 1st assistant!). I know the boys want to include him, but they honestly don't know how to "deal" with him. Make sure that the leaders know the details of G's issues, I know that they only want to help and most members don't know how to deal with anything that is not neurotypical. They haven't spent the last 15 years experiencing it, studying it, living it! I think you should ignore the e-mail and start over! Go to the leaders and bishopric and give them some literature or even some websites where they can read more about AS (even tell them what you've written in your blog). I think once they are informed, they will be better able to help G with what he might need, instead of just labeling him. It will not be perfect, but it can be better! Love to you and your family!
It's one of the frustrating things about our church. We want people to fit into labels and if we don't have a label that fits we try to shove them into one that doesn't.
If it helps, I will share a story from my current ward. We had a new beehive who is autistic. Her mom is an amazing advocate for her. She basically came to us (the leaders) and let us know what we can expect from her and what we need to just let go. We keep the lines of communication open and make sure that this girl and her mom always know what we have planned for mutual so that they can make an informed decision as to if it will work out for them or not.
That helped more than I can even express.
Thank you for sharing.
Dave and I both thought we had laid out pretty clear about G's quirks and whatnot. Actually using the examples of those I listed here in our conversations.
Ultimately, what I need to take away from this experience that message given is not necessarily the same as message received.
I KNOW there was no ill intent whatsoever.
Let's face it - I'm uber sensitive when it comes to all matters with G.
Jul - I think you're right on when you said they don't have the 15 years of experiences.
Dede - I think I'll use your experience and tweak our Garrett Reference List a bit more.
Stuff like this proves to me that those of us who are faced with challenges that put us outside mainstream folks are somehow smarter than that neurotypical group. Is it because of our experience alone? Is it because Heavenly Father knew only a certain kind of person could handle the challenges? Is it because we who are faced with loving those who are challenged aspired to higher intelligence? I know this: if all of the above is true, then those who are challenged accepted a greater calling. They teach us to think, mold our thoughts to those higher realms of intelligence, and they love us as we love them. I love you guys so much, my heart goes out to you and your family. What a nightmare moving is for you all. Perhaps you could persuade your Quorum leader to write ANOTHER email that says if you love your fellow brother G. Please respect him and just be kind not judgemental. I wonder if it would do any good.
Love always,
April
TraceyBoyd: I remember Garrett and Chance playing for hours using just their imagination. I say prayers for you that he finds friends his age that have the compassion to understand that he is different and that different is ok. Caitlyn has a friend/neighbor that is autistic. Davis is great and Caitlyn plays with him alot. He, like Garrett has a awesome mom who will always look out for him and do what is best for him.
August 24, 2010 at 5:51pm
LoriLoesche: Sweet Chantelle, I'm not sure how this could be ... but I never knew this about Garrett. I appreciate your spirit so very much and hope that you are able, in some way, to share these sweet thoughts with the folks at church who blindly just want to help sometime along the way. I wish we could be stationed near one another again so our friendship could bloom ... I guess we never know, huh? Blessings to you and yours! (P.S. I still cry at the end of Alladin every time.) :D
August 24, 2010 at 7:06pm
JulieBarr: Okay, Chan....I'm just biting my tongue to keep from saying what I really want to say. Instead, I'm going to simply say that I understand completely why you would feel hurt by the email and label and I'll pray that G makes friends in his own way on his own terms. I'll also pray that those around you become more aware and considerate of the impact they can have on others. Best wishes!
August 24, 2010 at 7:09pm via Facebook Mobile ·
CarrieLondonH: Oh Chantelle. That would have stung me to the core if I happened upon an e-mail! You have every right to be hurt. How very inappropriate of that leader. In my former life I worked with adults with traumatic brain injuries. I would try to get them back into working a job. It was so hard for employers to grasp the immense cognitive difficulties these patients now faced in their lives, but also the emotional need to be treated like everyone else.
August 24, 2010 at 9:12pm
DavidLang: Garrett does indeed have much to offer folks. As Chantelle has noted; you must be truely genuine with him - or he will see right through you. Most people are too caught up in their own life to take the time to get to know him. It takes G up to a year to adjust to/recover from our moves. Along that same line. In today's world, people cannot comprehend taking a year to get to know him. In our "what's in it for me" view on life, if you do not get satisfaction in 10 minutes - it's not worth doing. Very sad.
August 24, 2010 at 9:57pm
GrandpaGreen: What's more dangerous than someone who wants to do good but scores zero on the empathy and educational scale?
August 25, 2010 at 12:38am
DeboraMoore: I love Garrett!!! He's a great kid!!!!!!!! He's really smart, too!
August 25, 2010 at 5:14am
Chantelle: I love my fellow MamaBears (and Grandpa)!
One positive that has come about since this - we've had great conversation as a family about some pretty heartfelt things.
We also prepared Garrett for possible strange introductions - encouraging him to converse with any young man who may strike up conversation (instead of growling or possibly glaring at them - I'm sure a few of you know what I'm talking about :)
August 26, 2010 at 5:26pm
Post a Comment