I want to disclose something

I can't tell you how many times we surprise people when we talk about our family of 4. Or when someone happens upon a rare family snapshot that includes G.

"You mean Madi isn't your only child?"

Some of you know that G is autistic…or has autism…or is on the autism spectrum . . . . Who knows the politically correct way to say it these days. Let me just sum it up by letting you in on a tip: you probably don’t want to sit in front of him on a long haul flight. He’s very particular about his world and what he wants.

Having a child with autis…..having a child who nobody wants to be on a flight sharing their seat back with does open your eyes to the toleration levels of people in our society.

Folks have their own interpretation of how/why G has his quirks. One afternoon after a heartfelt disclosure, a mom in a previous neighborhood actually had the audacity to tell me that in her opinion "all the answers lie in a family's parenting skills".

How I wish my mom was around to correct her on that one! (And we all know Melodee would!)

The Young Men's experience of this past week combined with hours and hours alone have given me ample opportunity for reflection.

I think I tend to hold off on sharing this "label" too freely about G because I want folks to see the amazing young man that he is, and not a boy who is on the "Spectrum". And let's face it - it's hard to hear some folk's harsh opinions.

The military has labeled us as EFMP. A program for families with an Exceptional Family Member - even going so far as to varying degrees of how 'exceptional' a family's needs may be.

Schools have IEPs - a plan that specifies what a certain student may need.
Church has it's own label, but I won't re-address that.

The older G gets - the wider the gap becomes between him and his peers. I'm having to accept these differences. Not in a negative way, mind you. Just a realization that my once ambitious expectations of what raising a teen-aged son would be like are now drastically different.

My longstanding joke of packing G's typical pb&j lunch and driving him to NASA for work becomes more and more of a reality each day.

I absolutely LOVE this photo of our little family from what seems like many moons ago. It captured the real dynamics of who we were back then, and still are.

Nope, we are a family of 4. Our lives are intertwined yet parallel - and as tight as any family can be!

One step forward, two steps back

Before we accepted David's calling as priest/youth advisor at church- we had a really nice chat with a member of the bishopric (local leadership). They wanted to make sure that by having Dave working with the Young Men - it wouldn't be putting any additional strain on our own family dynamics. My guard immediately dropped - I could have burst into tears at that very moment. Could it be possible that someone is truly aware and in tune with how different a family runs when one of the members is not "neurotypical"*?

They captured my heart!

Fast forward a few weeks to last Sunday. Dave went to a leadership training where instruction for a new program was laid out. Today's youth are faced with incredible temptations, challenges and obstacles that I'm not sure I would be able to withstand at their age. We all get that.

Statistics were presented and used as reasoning for pushing this program so hard. And that's where I faded out . . . .G is included in the "lost" group. Not his name specifically. Just his statistic.

It stung a little bit - but I'll shrug it off.

Now this morning I've come across Dave's email account . . .a group email sent to all members of the young men. We should have known, but our young men are super-active in school activities. In order to plan the best that we can, we’d like to have your football, marching band, basketball, etc. schedules as soon as you have them. We’ll be trying, as a quorum, to also support each other by attending some shows/games!

Speaking of support, remember our amazing #2 finish in the Regional YM Basketball Tournament last year? I remember some awesome young women coming out and cheering for our Ward. YW Basketball is on Sept 29th and it’d be cool to represent! Just an idea…

Keep an eye out for Garrett L at school. He’s also 15, in our ward, but not active. A new area and school can be really tough, I challenge each of you to introduce yourselves and let him know he’s got some built-in friends in the Teachers Quorum.

My feelings were hurt. 
I know you must be asking "But WHY? They're just making sure G is included?"

Yes, on the surface.

What you don't see included is any evidence that we had a pretty in depth conversation with the leader of this age group and shared a lot of specifics about G.

First and foremost - that Garrett is NOT a neurotypical. He never will be. He's just NOT one of them . . .

For example: did you know G can't tie his own shoe? Why would anyone want to hang out with a bunch of "super-active" peers when you feel like an idiot for not even being able to accomplish a task that many neurotypicals have accomplished by age 5.

G watches Disney movies over and over and over. It's calming to him (drives me insane, but I can deal). We have heard the lines and songs from Aladdin all summer long - especially in these last few weeks leading up to school starting.

Really, is he going to be able to blend in with these guys without physically feeling these differences?

School activities/games like those listed in the email above have potential to cause a huge meltdown that we as a family would feel the repercussions at home for weeks.

Now let me disclose why he's not "active".

In his words . . . . It's not worth it.

It doesn't fall into his parameters of 'Stress Caused to Outcome Achieved'.

He also hangs on to hurts, it's almost like they become part of his very fiber.

At age 7 while he was waiting out the 3 hour church block alone on the couch foyer, he was told by a respected member of our local leadership at the time, "You're not a happy boy because you're not choosing to attend your primary class." 

(Here's a tip: Manipulation in any manner absolutely does not work with kids like G.)

Unfortunately what that leader couldn't see was the sheer exhaustion and stress on that 7 year old boy to sit in primary. What most of us consider as fun - including singing and sometimes even laughter - to G and others like him is just a sensory overloaded environment.

It's not worth it.

While I applaud the efforts put forth in the email, I wish that the approach was different.

He needs friends. He craves them. 
But ultimately the costs in G's mind aren't worth it.

More importantly he needs understanding. I need understanding. 
Then maybe a friendship could actually be formed.

He has SO much to give.

Don't just label as "active" or "inactive". Find out what's truly behind those easily distributed labels!

*Like that term? I learned it just this morning.

Neurotypical: Term used to describe a non-autistic person.

A gift

Back to Real Life (a.k.a. - SCHOOL)

Maybe I should have titled it "Back to what is considered the Social Norm - school". Because this is feeling anything BUT normal for our NavyLang family. Attending a public school in the suburbs with a heavy Caucasian population - never been done. Ever.

We were up before the sun (gasp). And just so you know, we can see the sun rise all the way from Kansas out here.  Sorry Misse - no mountains adding to the drama of the morning bursting open for the day.

The traditional funeral potatoes were amongst the choices in our breakfast of champions.

I keep telling myself the 'Grandfather approved' Watsonville strawberries helped counter some of that cheesy, gloopy goodness of a casserole.  And have you tried the Galvanina Blood Orange Beverage from Costco? Believe me - it's perfect for an occasion like this morning.

It's not even 9 in the morning and I'm antsy. I find myself wanting to keep really busy so I don't have too many quiet moments where my mind wanders - wondering how the kids must be doing.

At least the landscapers are around to help pass the day.

Back to school.

We've been doing stuff with the Academy District 20 in preparation for the new school year. I'm constantly amazed by all that is offered through public school here. A few times this week I think I've been caught with my mouth literally hanging open in awe. (Madi's counselor actually called me on it, much to Madi's chagrin.)

Having received the kids records from their Hawaii schools (basically DoDEA records - along with our application from Honolulu district requesting homeschool) - G's counselor had plans (options) ready for us to approve so they could be put into action.

Madi's school - even with no special needs, being just a typical student - well let's just say I'm just about giddy (maybe a tiny bit overwhelmed) by what's offered.

I can't help but feel a bit saddened when I think how schools in Hawaii are so short changed. Even though I'm hopeful Hawaii's infamous 3 1/2 day school week is a thing of the past, the whole attitude (apathy) about public education there needs a serious kick in the pants!

That being said - I do think Hawaii's kids are getting an education in things that can't be taught/gained in any typical setting. I would never be able to truly appreciate all these little details that others seemingly take for granted had we not lived through the last year in Hawaii.