I covet way too much.

You know what I secretly wish for? 

Even more than a dreamy white kitchen??

A family portrait. One that is artfully coordinated, fabulous scenery, with all four of us looking at the camera - smiling out - looking happy.

You know what my reality is?

A family that is content. Kids that feel safe and know that they're loved. 

And tons of snapshots to help me remember and keep my perspective!

Star gazing - best homework ever!

DreamNight at the Zoo 2011

Kudos to Cheyenne Mountain Zoo!

Anyone who knows G understands his love of the Zoo.
Any zoo and every zoo.
It's a 'must do' for our little family (and any fellow travelers who happen to be with us) no matter which city or which continent we happen to be visiting.

A few weeks back we received an invite to an annual special event at our local zoo for those of us who have an 'Exceptional Family Member'.
We prepared for an "exciting night .... as you visit dream stations, enjoy delicious food, and meet some of our animal friends."

The anticipation at our house was about as fun as it gets for G.

June 3rd, 5:30p.m. finally arrived!

We spent a full half hour watching the river otters performing the same routine over and over. Laughed over the pot bellied pig's enthusiasm for his dinner. And were fully entertained at the grizzly bears antics.
The only downer, G was so homesick for his cousin Hannah he said his heart hurt.

We enjoyed the pace. Loved the enthusiasm of the volunteers. Relished seeing so many families enjoying one another.
The planning that goes into an event like this makes my heart swell. Just because

I'm no tooth fairy!

No topic creeps me out more than teeth. Just seeing the word kind of makes me nauseous!

Now add the words dentist and Garrett into the conversation and you probably get an idea of the stress level around these here parts. Someday I may have the courage to share G's adventures in dentistry with all of you. For now, I'll just tell you he's been asked to not return from more than one practice.

Dave had the courage to make the appointment with a neighbor that lives just down the street. I've been cringing for weeks in anticipation. If this goes bad - I still have to drive by their house daily. Multiple times! Madi will never be asked to babysit for them again!

BUT . . . .
I heard the appointment went well. I was sedated at home in bed.

I want to disclose something

I can't tell you how many times we surprise people when we talk about our family of 4. Or when someone happens upon a rare family snapshot that includes G.

"You mean Madi isn't your only child?"

Some of you know that G is autistic…or has autism…or is on the autism spectrum . . . . Who knows the politically correct way to say it these days. Let me just sum it up by letting you in on a tip: you probably don’t want to sit in front of him on a long haul flight. He’s very particular about his world and what he wants.

Having a child with autis…..having a child who nobody wants to be on a flight sharing their seat back with does open your eyes to the toleration levels of people in our society.

Folks have their own interpretation of how/why G has his quirks. One afternoon after a heartfelt disclosure, a mom in a previous neighborhood actually had the audacity to tell me that in her opinion "all the answers lie in a family's parenting skills".

How I wish my mom was around to correct her on that one! (And we all know Melodee would!)

The Young Men's experience of this past week combined with hours and hours alone have given me ample opportunity for reflection.

I think I tend to hold off on sharing this "label" too freely about G because I want folks to see the amazing young man that he is, and not a boy who is on the "Spectrum". And let's face it - it's hard to hear some folk's harsh opinions.

The military has labeled us as EFMP. A program for families with an Exceptional Family Member - even going so far as to varying degrees of how 'exceptional' a family's needs may be.

Schools have IEPs - a plan that specifies what a certain student may need.
Church has it's own label, but I won't re-address that.

The older G gets - the wider the gap becomes between him and his peers. I'm having to accept these differences. Not in a negative way, mind you. Just a realization that my once ambitious expectations of what raising a teen-aged son would be like are now drastically different.

My longstanding joke of packing G's typical pb&j lunch and driving him to NASA for work becomes more and more of a reality each day.

I absolutely LOVE this photo of our little family from what seems like many moons ago. It captured the real dynamics of who we were back then, and still are.

Nope, we are a family of 4. Our lives are intertwined yet parallel - and as tight as any family can be!

One step forward, two steps back

Before we accepted David's calling as priest/youth advisor at church- we had a really nice chat with a member of the bishopric (local leadership). They wanted to make sure that by having Dave working with the Young Men - it wouldn't be putting any additional strain on our own family dynamics. My guard immediately dropped - I could have burst into tears at that very moment. Could it be possible that someone is truly aware and in tune with how different a family runs when one of the members is not "neurotypical"*?

They captured my heart!

Fast forward a few weeks to last Sunday. Dave went to a leadership training where instruction for a new program was laid out. Today's youth are faced with incredible temptations, challenges and obstacles that I'm not sure I would be able to withstand at their age. We all get that.

Statistics were presented and used as reasoning for pushing this program so hard. And that's where I faded out . . . .G is included in the "lost" group. Not his name specifically. Just his statistic.

It stung a little bit - but I'll shrug it off.

Now this morning I've come across Dave's email account . . .a group email sent to all members of the young men. We should have known, but our young men are super-active in school activities. In order to plan the best that we can, we’d like to have your football, marching band, basketball, etc. schedules as soon as you have them. We’ll be trying, as a quorum, to also support each other by attending some shows/games!

Speaking of support, remember our amazing #2 finish in the Regional YM Basketball Tournament last year? I remember some awesome young women coming out and cheering for our Ward. YW Basketball is on Sept 29th and it’d be cool to represent! Just an idea…

Keep an eye out for Garrett L at school. He’s also 15, in our ward, but not active. A new area and school can be really tough, I challenge each of you to introduce yourselves and let him know he’s got some built-in friends in the Teachers Quorum.

My feelings were hurt. 
I know you must be asking "But WHY? They're just making sure G is included?"

Yes, on the surface.

What you don't see included is any evidence that we had a pretty in depth conversation with the leader of this age group and shared a lot of specifics about G.

First and foremost - that Garrett is NOT a neurotypical. He never will be. He's just NOT one of them . . .

For example: did you know G can't tie his own shoe? Why would anyone want to hang out with a bunch of "super-active" peers when you feel like an idiot for not even being able to accomplish a task that many neurotypicals have accomplished by age 5.

G watches Disney movies over and over and over. It's calming to him (drives me insane, but I can deal). We have heard the lines and songs from Aladdin all summer long - especially in these last few weeks leading up to school starting.

Really, is he going to be able to blend in with these guys without physically feeling these differences?

School activities/games like those listed in the email above have potential to cause a huge meltdown that we as a family would feel the repercussions at home for weeks.

Now let me disclose why he's not "active".

In his words . . . . It's not worth it.

It doesn't fall into his parameters of 'Stress Caused to Outcome Achieved'.

He also hangs on to hurts, it's almost like they become part of his very fiber.

At age 7 while he was waiting out the 3 hour church block alone on the couch foyer, he was told by a respected member of our local leadership at the time, "You're not a happy boy because you're not choosing to attend your primary class." 

(Here's a tip: Manipulation in any manner absolutely does not work with kids like G.)

Unfortunately what that leader couldn't see was the sheer exhaustion and stress on that 7 year old boy to sit in primary. What most of us consider as fun - including singing and sometimes even laughter - to G and others like him is just a sensory overloaded environment.

It's not worth it.

While I applaud the efforts put forth in the email, I wish that the approach was different.

He needs friends. He craves them. 
But ultimately the costs in G's mind aren't worth it.

More importantly he needs understanding. I need understanding. 
Then maybe a friendship could actually be formed.

He has SO much to give.

Don't just label as "active" or "inactive". Find out what's truly behind those easily distributed labels!

*Like that term? I learned it just this morning.

Neurotypical: Term used to describe a non-autistic person.

Garrett has been "Published"

Garrett's Journalism teacher recently asked him to "write a blurb" about an Education Expo recently held at school. His "blurb" was in today's edition of Guam's military newspaper - Joint Region Edge.

follow the link...

http://www.guampdn.com/guampublishing/pacificedge/data/EkFuukAuFknTePpgqX.htm

Fake it til you make it

It's something we all do.

At different times in our lives.

Just differing circumstances.

But some days I don't want to fake it any longer. It's exhausting for all of us.
Here's a sampling:

Many Aspies with their above average IQs can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with four to six teachers, instead of just one. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent or even hostile toward making special accommodations is certain. The Aspie student now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions and noise levels, and sets of expectations.

Social Isolation.
In the teenage world where everyone feels insecure, teens that appear different are voted off the island. Aspies often have odd mannerisms. One teen talks in a loud voice, avoids eye contact, interrupts others, violates their physical space, and steers the conversation to her favorite odd topic. Another appears willful, selfish and aloof, mostly because he is unable to share his thoughts and feelings with others.

Many Aspie teens are stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any teenage popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for an Aspie, even though he wants it more than anything else.

Inability to "Be a Teen." An Aspie typically does not care about teen fads and clothing styles -- concerns that obsess everyone else in their peer group. Aspies may neglect their hygiene and wear the same haircut for years.
Some Aspies remain stuck in a grammar school clothes and hobbies such as unicorns and Legos, instead of moving into adolescent concerns like MySpace and dating. Aspie boys often have no motor coordination. This leaves them out of high school sports, typically an essential area of male bonding and friendship.

The teenage years are more emotional for everyone. Yet the hormonal changes of adolescence coupled with the problems outlined above might mean that an Aspie teen becomes emotionally overwhelmed. Childish tantrums reappear. They may experience "melt down" at home after another day filled with harassment, bullying, pressure to conform, and rejection. Suicide and drug addiction become real concerns.

REFERENCES:
Bashe, Patricia and Barbara Kirby. The Oasis Guide to Asperger Syndrome.
Kennedy, Diane. ADHD Autism Connection.
Myles, Brenda and Jack Southwick. Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments.
Autism Asperger Publishing,Powers, Michael. Children with Autism.
Sohn, Alan and Cathy Grayson. Parenting Your Asperger Child.

School's out for summer!

Tuesday 11:15 - school lets out for summer!

12:00 - celebratory lunch of burgers and root beer floats at Champs

1:00 - matinee of Kung Fu Panda

3:00 - plunge at the pool

6:00 - The first "I'm bored" of the season is uttered.

What We Wish You Understood

Statements from parents with an autistic child

"You get nervous to go anywhere because you’re afraid of what he (the autistic child) will do."

"I wish people wouldn’t judge. It’s obvious when someone has a physical disability, but our children look normal. I feel badly when someone tries to "give him five" and he doesn’t respond normally."

"It makes me feel like I am a bad parent."

"You’ll never know how much power you have with your words – how much they can hurt us or heal us."

"My son once said, 'I think there’s something wrong with me… like they (other people) don’t like me.' I’m sad when I think of that."

"Having a child with autism has taught me how much Heavenly Father loves all of his children, and how all of us are special to Him no matter how talented or ‘un-talented’ we may be."

"Nobody will play with my son. Even if one child would come for 10 minutes and play video games, it would make a big difference."

Once my son wrote, "They think I’m dumb, stupid, and I don’t care anymore. And it makes me tired holding all my muscles from emotions and makes me sick and tired and frustrated." I wish he didn’t have to face such a confusing world.

"My child had a very caring teacher one year. I asked him what made her so special and he said, "Because she understands kids like me and she loves me anyway.' It may

not seem like it, but these children understand who cares about them."

"Autism takes such a toll on the family. It is rare to enjoy a pleasant family night, evening meal, or family outing. We try to make it as normal as possible, but autism affects the whole family."

"My child responds differently all the time. One day he will respond one way, and the next day, it will be different. Don’t expect the same reaction, but keep trying! Parents and close family get a different reaction all the time as well."

"His face will not match his emotions. He may be happy, but he will look sad."

"They are all so different. If you have met one autistic child, you have met ONE autistic child."

Hamamoto Fruit World

Sometimes school can be so overrated!

Especially when it wreaks uncontrollable havoc on our household. In the midst of what is becoming Garrett's routine morning crisis I decided FORGET IT - we're trying homeschool today.

The Oakleaf Club was having a Discover Guam Day and I figured my guys needed to discover Guam too. What better environment than to hang out with a bunch of moms and learn about the island we live on.

Besides - I just didn't have the heart to pry G's cute little fingers from the post he had attached himself to.

The makeshift tram drove us around a small portion of the Hamamoto property. It was so beautiful under the canopy of the jungle. They grow mango, papaya, starfruit, avocado, cherry, calamansi, banana, peanutbutter fruit, breadfruit, macadamia and so many more I can't remember. The chickens hang out in the trees at night, keeping the bugs under control. The monitor lizards keep the chickens in check while the dogs make sure the monitor lizards don't take over. Throw in random deer, wild pigs and lost carabao and you get the idea of Hamamoto World.
We finished up by making our own lemonade type drink and Garrett demonstrated how to traditionally grate coconut.

I may be biased, but I'm thinking it was much better than a day cooped up inside an old barracks turned school building.
And not a single bully to ruin our fun!

Christmas Day

Christmas Morning just goes by way too quick with just the 4 of us!
I think the entire un-wrapping ritual takes a mere 23 minutes -

and that's with the dreaded turn taking!

We had fun flying the remote helicopter on the helipad behind our house, trying to fit Madi's new "stuff" into her room, and each of us lounging around with our new books.

The afternoon was spent with the Hansen family sharing great food and a very comfortable atmosphere. They have been wonderful! (filling the void for the cousins we're missing back home).